CONTROL • perfectionism
I can feel the equinox creeping up on us. The evenings are cooler and the sun recedes earlier. We are edging nearer and nearer to crossing through the threshold of fall/Indian summer. There, we will be met with a time of deep introspectiveness. We will be tested with unusually hot days to which we are granted a spiritual polarity that pushes us to our edge so that we can take the time to look at what is right in front of us, facing us, challenging us, and asking us to deal with it.
For me, lately, the eclipse has been nudging me to tackle the firm grip I hold tightly too in all aspects of my life – control. Control is literally the juxtaposition of intuition. And intuition is one’s roadmap and communication with The Universe – especially when manifesting.
Having grown up in a household with a young broke mom (alcoholic), constantly moving, and also living with aunts and uncles and grandparents three days a week, one develops a very keen grip on the very little they have control over. This can also be one of the roots of where perfectionism stems from. Wrap those two things up in a box, and you have a present for intimacy disaster.
Perfectionism is a major form of control; and with social media and the current temperature in out society, the pressure has never been greater to “be perfect”. We’ve all been told that nobody is perfect. But what a beautiful and logical piece of information that is! So this week, I’ll be sharing my very transparent current thoughts, struggles, and issues with you in order to inspire how naturally normal absolute imperfection is. It's also my promise to myself to show up to all of those within my radius, and be seen.
For it is only through fully embracing and owning imperfections that we reach our highest form of authentic magnetic power.
ME | Since I’ve moved in with my partner, and given up my trusted little place of six years, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of losing my safety net (a false sense of security). This has kicked up immensely deep co-dependent insecurities of mine that have been showing up in many different ways. Nightly, I’ve had recurring dreams that my partner has left me, cheated on me, or that I’ve aged and am no longer attractive or "lovable". For the past two weeks, when I’m not sleeping, I’ve been wrestling with body image issues and old patterned, deep fears of aging inherited from my maternal side of the family, which valued beauty above everything else. There has been a great deal of “not good enough’s” flying around my mind.
But why? I thought I already dealt with so much of this?
Because I’m committing deeper in a relationship – I’m going deeper - so any false senses of securities (blocks) continue to peel back – like an onion – therefore, soon, all that will be left is me. Intimacy = see into me. Intimacy rivals any false sense of perfectionism that we’ve created, try to control, and believe that we are projecting to the world.
So this opportunity of revealing more of myself has been terrifying. For someone that dealt with a lot of “the rug being pulled out from under them” when I was young, control and perfectionism have been my survival tools. But I don’t want to survive in any aspect of my life. I want to flow. Intuitively, one with The Universe.
PROCESS | deciding to face my controlling patterns and nib perfectionism in the bud isn’t a quick overnight process. It’s exactly that, a process. And one that I’m deeply grateful to be journeying through. It’s one step deeper in fully showing up as my authentic powerful self by removing blocks. And nothing is more exhausting for any of us than trying to be a circle fitting into a box all the time.
i. So wherever you may be right now, during this Mercury in Retrograde, eclipse season, and impending equinox, I invite you to look at the areas you might be controlling out of perfectionism in your life.
ii. Then I ask you to be gentle on yourself and go through it. DON’T SPIRITUALLY BYPASS this opportunity. A misconception in the spiritual realm is, “be positive.” I feel there is nothing more handicapping than trying to be positive. It’s glossing over a deeper block that is begging you to work it out. Not acknowledging it and processing it is like sticking a band-aid over it. This is also a form of being emotionally unavailable with yourself (therefore you attract emotionally unavailable people into your life).
iii. Feel the feels. Are you angry for hating certain aspects of yourself? BE ANGRY. Process it. Because I promise that there is insight at the bottom of it. You are allowed to feel exactly what are feeling. And it’s ok/normal/healthy and even more importantly, it’s a release. Be honest with yourself about what you're feeling. True honesty with yourself is a key to much deeper work. Meditate, meditate, meditate. Get to the bottom of it all.
iv. Educate yourself and find community to support this process. More on this later.
v. Be grateful to even be in transition at all. It's incredibly beautiful. It’s a path to liberation and enlightenment. And it’s a key to being a much more powerful manifestor.