Red Flags


Everything and everyone that comes into our life is a mirror, an invitation to expand, grow, or heal. 

(Again) The Universe's only intention for us in this lifetime, is to grow into our most whole, realized, authentic version of self, therefore, everything and everyone that comes into our life is a mirror (lesson), an invitation to expand, grow, or heal a wound (also known as a block). 

Every single relationship and situation in our life is an opportunity to integrate, during this work, and to pass what I refer to as tests. With each test we pass, we are raising our magnetism and self-worth, which leads to connecting with the subject we’ve called in.

TESTS •  Once you cast your list, and you've begun expanding through expanders (to create space in your subconscious), you've signaled to The Universe that you are ready to receive any tests you have to pass to prove that your self-worth is in alignment with the subject you're calling in. That you trust The Universe implicitly that it will supply you with what you've asked for. These tests come your way to ensure to The Universe that you've learned from the past low self-worth lessons you've had in dating and relationships. Simply put, that you aren't willing to settle again. Even if you do settle again, (don't pass) even though you know better, it's okay; you'll simply receive more tests. 



  1. The lower your self-worth, the more tests you will receive. I like to compare them to a carrot being dangled in your face to see if you'll take the same thing you've had in the past.

  2. Once you pass a test, they will get more and more subtle to recognize. The recognition is in listening to the little red flags.

  3. Use the list that you created for a partner, as well as the list you created regarding everything you are bringing to relationships, as reference points as to whether you are being offered something less than what you've asked for. If you sense red flags that seem familiar to past low self-worth situations, it's an automatic no or goodbye to the opportunity being offered to you, no matter how great it appears.


SIMPLY PUT: if it isn't a hell yes, then it's a no.

If it's a hell yes, but it's not the full package, then it's a no. 

note that tests and expanders often show up in the same package. They've just come to test you and show you the x, y, and z that you desire does exist and it's within reach. 


OBSERVE • Allow the opportunities coming through to unfold so that you determine if they are a test or not. For example, if on the dating app, you determine from chatting with them and looking at their profile, that they seem to match a lot of your list, go on a date. However, if on the date you realize that they aren't adding up to your list and what you're bringing to the table, then goodbye. Maybe this takes a few dates to unfold; so watch for those red flags. 

FEEL • Another great way to detect if something is a test is by checking to see if their behavior doesn't make you feel good. Answer these questions for each opportunity:

  1. Do they have 95% of what you put on your list (based on how much you know them so far)? Do they equally bring what you're bringing to the table or more?

  2. Are they respecting you? Are they going out of their way to contact you? Are they following up to schedule dates, and listening to your needs?

  3. Are they meeting your emotional needs?

Don't lie to yourself; these are very easy questions. 



Simply, you must let it go the moment you know that it's a test.

If you linger because you're lonely, curious, or afraid to let an opportunity go, this energetic registers to The Universe that you don't feel worthy of what you are calling in and/or you don't trust that the universe will provide it. Therefore, another test will follow this test. 



You had an emotionally unavailable mother or father and you've never healed the subconscious repercussions of this. Therefore, you always attract emotionally unavailable partners. You cast your list for a new emotionally available partner:

TEST 1 •  A suitor shows up that is only 80% of what you asked for. However, they are missing the core things. Goodbye.

TEST 2 •  Another suitor shows up that seems to be your list, but is already resembling characteristics of the other emotionally unavailable people you've dated. Goodbye. 

TEST 3 • Another suitor shows up but seems to be everything on your list, emotionally available, but isn't treating you with the respect you'd like. Goodbye.

MANIFESTATION • Another suitor shows up that is everything on your list, emotionally available, everything flows effortlessly, you're treated with more respect that you know what to do with, your needs are met, there are no games, they want a commitment as well, and it all feels incredibly kismet. BAM. You've most likely manifested the partner you called in. 

they're just not that into you

Screw that, I want someone who's into me

Learning how to cope with "they're just not that into you" can completely shift your attraction magnetism in dating and manifestation. Rather than the dog paddling/nearly drowning energy of trying to get them to like you, as soon as you see the red flags that they don't really care or aren't making the effort or don't want to commit, or they can't get their shit together, know that your better person is out there.

Here are two mottos can make it easy to move on quickly:

  1. No stress, they're just not that into me and I want someone who's INTO ME.

  2. And, if not this, then something better. If you're doing the work to raise your self-worth, it will always be something better!

actions speak louder than words

Lessons for watching the "energetics" of whether a suitor is a test.

  1. NEVER justify or make excuses for their behavior

  2. Listen to their actions and not their words. Always, always, always. This makes weeding-out very clear. I don't care how magical they sound on paper.


Journal a timeline of every suitor and dating experience you've had since high school. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Leave space next to each one. I want you to write a paragraph next to each one highlighting anything in the dynamic that didn't make you feel good. Also, any disrespect as well as where your needs weren't being met, heard, honored or respected. Lastly, how you might have felt small in the dynamic. This will help you to have awareness and recognition of how it felt, and when it's happening in the future. 

Where were you shrinking and being small? Why? (go deep on this one)

Where are you not standing in your worth and boundaries? 

Do these negative or unwanted traits in each suitor resemble caretakers from your childhood? 

What did you need most from that caretaker? 

These are called patterns. Notice if there is a through line? What is it?

Now journal how you were selling yourself short in any of the dynamics. 

Tests will be coming through to test if you've learned from all of the places you've once settled or sold yourself short, to see if you will settle for them again. 

This is a safe community, created to encourage communication between each other and to share experiences. Please leave questions and comments below for your fellow friends to respond based on their personal experience. Constructive and nurturing feedback only. For more connection, head over to the growing Secret Society Manifestation Facebook Group! Lacy will not be answering comments or questions or navigating your personal circumstances. Those can be done in a session.

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Lacy Phillips19 Comments