OWN YOUR SHADOW
The ego is the shadow, and inside the shadow resides the victim.
When we are victims, this means we are at the will of someone else’s power. Therefore, we are plugged into others. Victims are created from shame, which could happen at any stage of life. Note that most of the victimhood stems from a stunted inner child (which I heavily suggest you work on in UNBLOCKED Reparent) due to shame from parents, peers, media, teachers, family, society – anything that makes aspects of us unacceptable and unlovable.
Being a victim means that we operate from a place where the world can feel like it’s happening outside of us, for when aspects of self are denied, we give our power away and plug into external sources that have control over us. For example, say you expressed immense creativity when you were young. You freely pursued your passion for art until you were told by someone you love that “Your art is ok, but it’s time to grow up and focus on something practical” because being an artist is going to result in a poor life filled with disappointment. As dependent beings when we’re young, in need of shelter, nurturing and love in order to survive, it’s instinctual to abandon our creativity and art in order to continue to be nurtured and loved by our caretaker. Now, insert anything in place of “art” in that example: weight, self-worth, emotional expression, sexuality, appearance, judgements, interests, and your personal list will go on and on. These abandoned aspects of self have lost their power inside of us, creating the subconscious victim. This victimhood subconsciously plugs us into other power sources, which control us through our insecurities.
So, regarding the earlier example, anytime our creativity (stemming from the denied aspect of self) is called upon, we will instantly revert to insecurity and lack of confidence (subconsciously or consciously) while looking to see if whoever or whatever calling on our creativity approves of it. We're giving our power to this source to validate it for us. Shame in our life tends to be the main culprit for denying all sorts of qualities that we so beautifully owned and accepted when we were born.
In order to truly integrate your denied aspects of self, you must stop being the victim and ruthlessly accept your failures.
This takes investigative work and effort.
VICTIM RECLAIM INTEGRATION
Stop being a victim by accepting your failures and limiting beliefs.
(below each prompt is a personal example)
1. Find your most emotionally charged word or aspect on your list:
“Scarcity." Weirdly, the experience below came to mind. Your subconscious will show you what it needs you to work through. Be patient and trust whatever comes to you.
2. Go back through memories that caused you pain surrounding this word:
My mom and dad were only 18 when they had me. They had no idea what they were doing, and because they worked, I was shuffled from each of their homes to my grandparents’ and aunt’s homes. My mom was always leaving me at my aunt's house to go to work or go on dates with her boyfriends. I must have been four once when I said, “Mom don’t go. Who do you love more, him or me?” She replied, “It’s a different kind of love,” as she was walking away to leave. Now, I don’t care what four-year-old you tell that to , they don’t understand nuances like that yet. To me, that was pure abandonment and a glossed over way of saying: “I love him more.” On top of that, my mother and I had a very enmeshed, co-dependent relationship. I slept in her bed (except for when she’d get a new boyfriend). She never disciplined me, so I had no sense of safety or personal boundaries. Therefore, for a very enmeshed child, this is an even deeper act of abandonment.
3. Allow yourself to feel the pain, so you’re active in it.
Close your eyes and get quiet. Take a moment to focus on the sounds you hear in the room, your breath, the smells, and how your body feels where you’re sitting. Then follow these next two steps:
1. Get into the other person’s shoes, situations, and perspective and find the positive new interpretation.
My mother really was answering maturely and honestly, though she didn’t realize she needed to break that down, so I could really comprehend the difference between a love bond for her child vs. the kind of love bond she had with a partner. She herself may not have even known the difference yet because she was just a baby. And she really did love me more than anything else in her life at the time (which is true), she just didn't know how to do it correctly.
2. Picture your older self comforting your younger self. The age will vary for everyone. Even if you’re dealing with your teen or younger 20’s self, picture the person you are now giving this younger version of you just what you need.
In my meditation, the person I am now picks up the little me and holds her heart to heart. We play for a little until she really trusts me and sits still enough to listen to me. Then I explain in very simple terms the difference in love. And how the love for a child is the strongest love in the whole world. The little me finds the love with a lover kind of boring and gross anyway, and in that moment, it’s healed. No longer a victim.
Your experiences and age will vary. And you'll know you've hit the correct ones, for there will be emotional activation surrounding them.
Maybe you have time to only go through one aspect of self today, but I can’t tell you how important it is to repeat this process for all aspects.
*adapted from Light Chaser and my own exercise.