Shifting My Worth in Career and Patterns
My manifestation was for my job. Currently, I am working as a physical therapist and commuting to a small clinic outside of Bend, OR. My commute is about 45 minutes away, and aside from the drive the patient population in the small town is very unhealthy and I have felt very isolated and unhappy.
I have big-picture manifestations of being a writer, a stay at home mom, and possibly having some kind of women's health personal business. For micro/small scale manifestations, I knew something needed to change with my job but I wasn't sure what that change was going to be.So, the first step in this process for me was making lists of what I like and what I don't like about my job. For example, I liked being able to converse more with co-workers about patient progressions. I don't like showing people exercises, so thinking something more in the therapy realm, but no clarity on that. So I was going day by day, being patient and DOING THE WORK.
I did Inner Child, Shadow, and I have weekly therapy sessions of EMDR for past trauma. One of my best pieces of advice would be to take it slow, be easy on yourself and know that things take time. I was pretty depressed and in the dumps during this process of hating my job. But as I was waiting on the job shift/change to come my way, I was building up my magnetism in life outside of work through creative outlets such as writing and dance, and changing all of my relationships to be those that are supportive.
Small background story on parts of my shadow. Shadow self says: I am ugly, awkward, and not worthy of other people's support or friendship. This stems back to a bad experience in elementary school in which I was shunned from a group of girlfriends. Another part of my shadow is the idea that people will always leave me - that I am not worthy of having a group/community of supportive friends. This caused me to subconsciously shy away from very friendly and supportive people, and go into hiding with an ego shell of thinking that I am better than others. Some small examples of this playing out in my life was that in PT school, I didn't join in on all the social hikes and group meet ups, thinking they were "lame". Instead, I buried myself in my studies and in my relationship (that was also very unhealthy). Over the last possibly 10 years of my life, I have had social anxiety and depression, much of which was masked by my ability to hide my emotions from myself and others.
I was in an abusive/manipulative relationship that lowered my self-worth to the lowest point it has ever been. I am a highly sensitive, Libra, an ethereal with overlying qualities of Femme Fatelle (for those of you who are in the know with the Archetype diet). All of this lead to calling people into my life who were not supportive and I had a lot of trouble being my true authentic self in front of others, something that I was almost unaware of. So, while waiting for something to change with my job, I did the small steps of changing things in my life that suited me and lifted me up.
I started reaching out to people and making friends all over the place! This was very scary for me, stepping into the unknown of asking a girl for her number at the climbing gym. In addition to this, I was saying no to people who were not supportive of me. Making girlfriends was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do meanwhile telling those new girlfriends what I have been through and that I have anxiety. I talked to them about my true emotions and real problems. Meanwhile, tests were coming up of jobs that other people would tell me about, travel PT, moving to other cities, etc. I knew that none of those were the right thing because I was wanting to stay in one place and build my community. THEN, a ping came up. I saw three images/logos/signs of an educational course for PT.
So, this last weekend I decided to go to a course for Physical Therapy that was offered through my work. It was a good opportunity to "expand" and also get some inspiration for working with my patients. What I got out of the weekend, however, was this huge insight to my shadow and my subconscious that came to the surface. I realized that I pretend to be "better" than the job/title that I am in and I avoid identifying with those around me who are also in that realm, for fear of rejection. I am so afraid/anxious of not being liked/loved/accepted by others that I hide. I also have a hard time asking others for support.
At this weekend lecture, I let down my guard. I asked people what their approach has been with PT, why they chose that path, what have been their struggles, what things they like about their job, and I didn't feel so alone! There was even one guy. I talked to that said, "Ya I've thought about leaving my career too, sometimes I hate my job." Overall, deep in my heart I know that I want to have a career change and do something different than PT, but I understand that on another spectrum of magnetism and of manifestation, I need the support of others. I need to be around other PT's and to be a part of the community.
On my drive home I called my best friend and told her my insight, and everything that I got out of the weekend lecture, the things about community support and being my true self in front of others.I got home from the weekend and was so depressed to go back to work the next day. I was having these thoughts of ‘should I change and apply for jobs in the town that I'm living’? ‘Should I quit my current job and then try to switch companies to be in Bend’? ‘Should I change positions of PT and see if I like another setting’? Down the spiral of anxiety I go... So I decided to surrender. To the universe.
I wrote in my journal these words: "Ok, universe, I surrender. I now see that I was hiding away from people out of fear, I am not afraid anymore of being seen, making mistakes, and being my true self. I am ready for a change, not because I deserve better pay/environment/patients/location, but because I deserve to be happy. I just want to be happy." THEN literally the next day, I got an email from my supervisor that they have a position opening up in Bend (the town that I want to be working in). I knew that this was a sign/gift from the Universe for me to be able to be seen, expand, and use a stepping stone towards my goal of changing jobs/careers. This change gives me a ton of expanders and puts me in the community that I want to live.
Things I have taken from this: I am a Generator, open emotional, VERY sensitive, and a Scorpio moon that needs a little bit of hiding in order to process. SO Manifestations happen for me when I ... 1) Have hit the bottom of what I feel like I can sustain and get out of a particular experience 2) When something from my subconscious comes to the surface and is lifted (calling my best friend on the phone) and 3) When I SURRENDER to the universe, throw my hands up in the air and say "okay, i get it! I see now, thank you for showing me that I need support of others to survive". 4) I don't make lists, I just feel the feeling of 'rock bottom' and then write out in my journal speaking to the universe of what I want EMOTIONALLY (not material wise, location, price).
-Anonymous
