I Can Feel Deep Inside That Something Big is Waiting For Me
By September of 2017 I had accepted that my destiny wasn't to find love. I thought being in a loving relationship was a talent, like playing soccer, dancing, singing or cooking, and some people (like me) weren’t born with it. Most of my relationships had been with men who were just not that into me. They liked me enough to hang out with me for a few months, but not enough to commit. The guys who actually wanted to commit to me, I was not that into them. The last one, I started dating in May 2017, he adored me and was willing to do anything for me. I liked him, he was nice and fun, but I wasn’t feeling it, and started getting anxiety when I felt I wasn’t reciprocating the love, I didn’t want to be like the guys I’ve dated before. I broke up with him. And it was after that relationship that I decided that when the moment came when I wanted to have kids, I would get a donor and be a single mother. That was the life I was meant to live: a life as a single woman, and I was starting to be okay with it.
In December I traveled to the beach with my mom, and all through that vacation I started having these images come to my head. Images that I could actually feel. I would call them “visions”, but I don’t want to sound like I’m selling myself as a psychic. I’m not. The visions were of me, my husband, and my child. I could feel a profound love for them, and it felt real. On that same trip, I heard this message saying that everything that had happened in my life had to happen for me to get there, and that something bigger was coming.
It was on the airport on my way home that I saw a book, and bought it just to have something to read on the flight. It was “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. Something in that book clicked. The reason I didn’t have a partner was not because I didn’t possess that “talent”, it was because I had a programing in my head that told me “you’re not capable of being in a relationship, you are not lovable, love isn’t real”. And If I didn’t change that, on a deeper level, I was going to repeat the same patterns until the day I died. The problem was that I didn’t know how to change that, beyond my rational mind that said “of course you’re lovable and love is real”.
A week after finishing the book, a friend tagged me in a TBM post, about the new Partnership workshop. I ended up buying it, and waited for it to be available on February 14th. I can now say that it changed my life completely. And this comes from a person who’s been in therapy for most of her life. I’ve done psychotherapy, confrontational therapy, family constellations, constellations with horses, you name it. It all helped, and it was wonderful, but after all that I was still wondering why I was alone if I’d done more work on myself than most people who were in loving relationships. After taking Partnership (now called Unblocked Love), there was one major thing that stuck with me: I couldn’t expect to find this amazing, mature partner if I wasn’t on the same level as what I was calling in. I had to be and feel just as amazing, centered, and self assured as the man I wanted. It was then that I decided to take time off work, and for 3 months fully commit to my personal growth. Instead of doing the Shadow workshop I read “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” and did every exercise in the book. I read “The Art of Exceptional Living”. I listened to every podcast where Lacy was interviewed. I read “Letting Go”. I did the TBM workshop “How To Manifest”. I always came to a point where I thought: “why am I not attracting my partner if I’m working so hard on myself”. But then, after finishing every workshop and every book I’d realized I had learned so much from it, that I wouldn’t have been ready for my partner without this newly acquired knowledge.
Then I got my big test. I matched on Bumble with a man I had a crush on since I was 15. I was so excited, and sure that I had finally attracted my partner thanks to all of my hard work. We went out to one of my favorite restaurants in the city, and halfway through dinner he said that he really wasn’t into committed relationships. I stopped him right there and told him this wasn’t going to work out. He insisted, I said no. I wish the story ended there. But what ended up happening was trauma bonding. My pattern had always been falling in love with men who liked me, but didn’t want to commit, and I would spend months or even years going out with them, trying to convince them to love me (more like convincing myself I wasn’t lovable because he didn’t love me). I wanted my story to be: the girl who got the player to fall in love. And this guy was the ultimate player. So nothing seemed more appealing to him than someone hard to get.
So for a few weeks he would text me saying he wanted to see me again, kiss me, that I was beautiful, etc. During that same time I tried to convince my programming that this wasn’t a player falling in love, but a player playing the game. He even invited me to New York, to his Penthouse in Park Avenue. Some of my friends insisted on me going, “what if he breaks your heart after that?? It’s a luxurious week in New York!!”. It was really hard for me, but I said no. I thought that one day I would find a man who would also invite me to amazing cities and adventures, not because he wants to have sex with me but because he wants to build a future with me. But even after saying no to that, we didn’t let each other go. He was even more hooked because I’d said no to the offer he thought I couldn’t refuse, and I still had programing hope that this would make him want to commit. He traveled for a few weeks and when he came back he invited me to have dinner. I said yes, I wanted to see him so bad. During dinner he insisted on us going out, there’s so much chemistry between us, we laugh, we talk, it’s perfect. He was everything on my list except the commitment part. At the end of evening, I finally said: “If you really want us to go out and start spending time together, you have to follow my rules. And one of them is that we can’t have sex until we know we want to commit to each other.” He looked at me in disbelief, then laughed thinking I was kidding. We ended up having a one hour discussion where he argued that the only way to really get to know someone is by having sex. I explained the reasons for this rule, reasons that I learned when I did TBM’s Unblocked Love, but they didn’t make sense to him. He drove me home, dropped me off, we kissed and I asked him never to call me again. Even after that, I still couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was then that I realized that If I was still attracted to someone who wasn’t that into me, then I still had a lot of work to do.
So I decided to do a personal retreat. I rented a house outside the city, and spent a whole week by myself doing Unblocked Inner Child. I really wanted to go though it completely committed and without any distraction. I would do the workshop in the morning, and then spend the rest of the day letting thoughts and memories come to me, I would journal, listen to podcasts, music that inspired me, and really enjoy the time with myself. One of the days that I was in my retreat I got a download, where I felt that I had to move to Los Angeles next year, because my partner was there. And I made peace with that, that I was probably going to be single for another year, but that was okay, because I was finally happy with who I was, and clear on what I wanted and deserved. It was during that week that I went into the Magic Dark. Nothing was happening, but I can feel deep inside of me that something big is waiting for me.
