Walking Into The Fire & Recognizing My Worth
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: Partnership has been high on my manifestation list. After years of not understanding why I am "never chosen" by a guy and why I am always the single one of my friends, things are finally getting clear. I have always accepted what is in front of me, but assuming that I was the one making the decision - I was definitely making all of these decisions but not in the way I had thought. I thought I was choosing the guy (as I am very picky with looks, style, etc.), but I was not passing the tests of how I was being treated. I discovered TBM back in September through a podcast that had Lacy as a guest after being badly burned by someone who I thought I had a great connection with. I began to listen to the TBM podcast immediately after, and three days later, I joined the pathway.
I started with How to Manifest and Unblocked Love, and within a week, I was getting tests from previous flings/relationships - some of whom I hadn't communicated with in at least two years contacted me out of the blue. I felt something was happening and even decided to end a "friends with benefits" that I held onto for a year and a half. November came, and I felt very impatient. I would go on dating apps like I had in the past but did not go on any dates or connect with anyone. I started getting what I thought were pings to reach out to a guy that had ended things with me back in September. I saw his name everywhere when I hadn't seen it before and continued to ignore it.
What had really set me off and made me truly think they were all pings was when I was watching Modern Love when Anne Hathaway's character had very extreme highs and lows from her bipolar disorder, and it affected her relationship with a guy she had met. The guy I had been seeing had told me that he had suffered from depression for many years and did not openly talk about it to anyone. He goes through phases, much like Hathaway's character, and just by watching that made me think I needed to reach out. He had apologized to me and let me know that he never intended to hurt me and had been thinking about what a great person I am. He had told me he was moving two hours away, and with my work and holidays, I was gone for at least a month and a half.
I completely ran into the fire, and we talked every day for two months. After the New Year, when I was finally back home, we decided to see each other for the weekend. Around 7 pm that night, he canceled on me and said he couldn't do this. I was crushed, but I bounced back quickly because I knew I hadn't deserved it, and I am worth more. A month later (having done the work on and off), I was completely in my worth and felt more expanded in my job than ever before (this is a job that has tested my worth more times than I can count). I received multiple tests, some right in my face, and some that withstood my willpower.
I was passing them, but then I heard from him. A long text explaining how sorry he was for hurting me and how he feels as though it is better to push people away that he cares for than to try but really wanted to change that. I told him that he could call me if he was willing to actually work on our relationship and not hide behind texts. The next night we got on the phone, and he expressed how he has not felt this way about anyone and wanted to change for me. So I did it. AGAIN. We didn't speak long before he disappeared, and I didn't think twice about it.
Since quarantine has happened, I had been in low self-worth and truly had not worked on myself in a while. I reached out to him this time, and we chatted for a few weeks. At one point, he expressed his feelings for me and thanked me for pushing him. One day he asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits (by the way and we have never slept together). I know more than anything I want a relationship with someone who values and respects me and wants commitment and a family together. I said no and blocked him after. Months of me not fully putting myself first, and that was all I needed.
The next day I heard from my past friends with benefits and another fling from college on social media. THE NEXT DAY. I have been successfully passing tests since and truly believe that I have the power to control my own worth and life. I started Unblocked Love again, and on day 2 of journaling, I heard again from another test - it is all so real, I love how it amazes me every day. This long rant isn't about me finding someone at the moment, but it is to help expand other members to realize that this stuff works and that sometimes it takes a long time to find your worth. E
Every time I said no to someone or something, I had tests right in front of me and continue to do so, which makes me being patient this time around worth the wait. I know one day I will write again with an even better update, but I am here now to say I've been burned enough to see I am worthy of everything I want and will no longer settle for anything less. Thank you Lacy and TBM team!
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?: How to Manifest, Unblocked Love, Inner Child
What expanders did you find?: Many of my expanders are from social media but some are also from the To Be Magnetic Podcast.
