A Test That Taught Me Peace & Grace
Name: Erin Cadwallader
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: Finding my partner
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?:
-Unblocked Inner Child
-Unblocked Shadow
I've uncovered so much from why I am unable to stand up for myself in confrontation, trying to be a part of the 'cool kids' group, to not feel guilty saying no. I'm currently working more on Body Image and setting Boundaries without feeling like I need to explain myself or feel guilty.
What tests did you face? Which did you pass? Not pass?: This new year and new age has really made me feel my magic and hone in on my process. With limited opportunities to get back into old low-self routines, I was really forced to double down on what is important to me and listen to my heart, not just being honest and genuine to others but, most importantly, myself. I REALLY started listening to my pings, really started only saying YES to things that light me up, and making sure to say NO to anything that doesn't. This weekend, we usually have a Super Bowl party, but since no one could make up their minds about going anywhere, I said, screw it, I'm getting out of town.
Hotels were SUPER cheap, so I decided to check off a bucket list item and stay at a fancy hotel on the coast. I LOVE hotels. It's my favorite form of self-care, to sleep in a SUPER comfy bed, good morning coffee, a nice bathrobe, and a deck with a view if I can. A friend of mine told me that she knew one of the bar workers there and that I should say hi, sent me his Instagram handle so I could point him out when I got there. I started daydreaming about what could happen this weekend-- off on a solo vacation, meet a cute traveler, we talk about our mutual interests, meet for a drink and have a tasteful romantic night, go home, leave it at the ocean.
WELL, IT HAPPENED. I introduced myself; he was very attentive to me at dinner, we chatted, bonded, laughed all through my dinner. I was there for three hours-- by myself at the dinner table, which as an introvert, I sit down, I enjoy, I pay, and go. He was really attractive and nice, so I decided to throw my number on the dinner receipt just in case. I let him and the universe take it from there. He came to my room a while later, and we stayed up until 4 am just talking and enjoying ourselves.
As things got familiar, we ended up kissing a while, but I remembered my boundaries-- I made a pact with myself that I am not going to just sleep with someone. I need to trust someone before I let that happen. We ended the evening staying in our respective rooms; we did not sleep together and met for coffee and a walk the next morning. And then we said goodbye. That was that. This was for sure a test, the biggest test I have received yet.
In the past, I have been obsessive. I would over-romanticize the situation and drown myself in my low self-worth misery when I felt rejected. What did I do wrong? Why isn't he texting? What if he was THE ONE? You hear about those stories all the time! No. I had it in my mindset that this won't be a big deal, which was already kind of a weird thing for me. I wanted him to text me, but at the same time, I was confident that if he didn't, I WOULD BE JUST FINE.
I also realized it was a test because as much fun as we had, I didn't give in fully because, for as many qualities as he had of merit, there were a lot of must-haves from my list that were missing. After building my self-worth, being patient with myself, unblocking little by little, I realize that this situation was put in front of me to have me see that I CAN be rational and not drive myself insane (REPROGRAMMING FOR THE WIN). I also CAN be in my power and understand that I can have anything I want if it wasn't meant to be; it wasn't meant to be. What is aligned for me will come.
Did you experience a magic dark period? If so, tell us about it.: Oh goodness, yes. I felt as though absolutely NOTHING was coming to me. I wanted everything so bad & I was so hard on myself for not manifesting anything or not seeing movement what-so-ever. I stopped doing the DIs and listening to the podcast. I almost canceled my membership completely right then and there. I even stopped simply writing in my journal. I just pushed it all aside. I let it go. Little did I know that this was exactly what I was supposed to do. LET GO.
I gave myself grace to just be. To rest and recharge. But I didn't want to waste the effort I had put into the year of doing the work, and neither did my subconscious mind. Without thinking too much of it, I just started doing or not doing based on what I FELT, not what I thought. I remembered the power of saying NO. I remembered the power of REST. I remembered the way I felt just doing things that light me up without relying on others for validation, which was a HUGE help.
I felt called back to start TBM again with Unblocked Inner Child, but I approached it in a new way of just listening and seeing whatever came up. I stopped forcing images in my head when Lacy would describe something. I've been getting more sleep to deepen my sleep and reinforce the breakthroughs I had. I understand that I need to remember patience and grace; I don't feel stress or pressure anymore—just an ease with being.
If you'd like, please include your IG handle:: @erinmariecad
What is your cultural upbringing and background?: Grew up in a predominately white suburban neighborhood in the bay area. Dad worked, my mom took care of us, I'm the middle child of three girls.
