Facing Blocks While Raising My Worth
Name: Erin Goodwin
What is your cultural upbringing and background?: I grew up in South Africa, in a small beach town in Kwa-Zulu Natal. My parents were white, lower middle class when I was small. They were atheists.
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: So currently I have
- a partner
- a job
- a few micro manifestations
I have manifested
- higher self-worth
- expanders in dating
- a juicer for free (I still can't believe it; I am so excited about this one)
- better relationship with my mom
- better communication skills.
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?: I have done all the workshops multiple times.
I have been doing the work consistently for a year since I was rock bottomed by my breakup of a five-year relationship, straight after which I jumped into a relationship with a Narcissist. It was tough! My TBM story is similar to Atarah Valentine's in that I have had a lot of work to do to manifest smaller tangible items. My worth has been so low based on having an alcoholic, narcissistic mother and a physically and emotionally absent father. My big blocks have been feeling like I have to work to be loved, to perform academically, and in my career to be respected and taken seriously. I have had a complete lack of boundaries, and a number of the meaningful relationships in my life were based upon me giving and giving without asking for anything in return.
I saw myself as someone who would easily be forgotten, and whenever there was a party or get-together, I made sure to be there just in case my friends had a great time without me and realized I wasn't that fun or interesting to have around. I kept myself invisible and so small. I would never speak up for myself or say no to anyone. Ever. In dating, I was (like Lacey) the biggest doormat. The men in my life just did not respect me.
I would have sex too soon, chase after them like there was no tomorrow, and was constantly performing and pretending to be interested in everything they were interested in. They always left or just strung me along. I had an experience with a Narcissist who told everyone that I was chasing after him, and I still kept going back to him, no matter how poorly he treated me. I have never felt so low in my life. Now, I am genuinely not attracted to Narcissists at all and can see clearly through them.
There was a narcissist I was attached to and for the life of me couldn't walk away from no matter how badly he treated me, and now I see him around, and I am not even remotely interested in him even when I catch him making eyes at me. This past year, my focus has been on raising my worth, inner child work, and shadow. Now, I am finally attracting guys who want to commit and who are genuinely interested in me. I am able to assert myself more easily, say no, and walk away when something is no longer serving me.
My relationship with my narcissistic mother has transformed. I used to be her punching bag, and she has said awful things to me. Now, I can easily not become involved in my mom's drama. She and I used to fight constantly because I would be so swept up by her gaslighting. Now, she will start a fight with me, and I am able to keep my cool and tell her that I won't engage. I can speak to her in an even tone during conflict (even if inside I am very anxious and my inner child is terrified of rejection) and walk away when she starts throwing insults.
Granted, I am still angry at her, and I am still mourning my childhood. I have definitely not reached the stage where I can love her and accept her for who she is, but it has gotten so much better. I am able to set boundaries with her (even though she doesn't respond well ever), and ultimately I can see her wounded inner child who is just seeking love and validation but doesn't know how to get it. I even told her how her alcoholism affected my childhood - she couldn't hear it, but it felt so good to finally speak my truth to her. It has made me realize that if I can be honest with her, I can be honest with anyone - and I am so much more honest about my feelings, triggers, and issues with those around me.
My manifestations have mainly been how I show up in relationships and conflict (which is so so so much better. I am able to hear the other person and take responsibility for myself in a way I never thought possible), as well as my relationship with my mom and my self worth. My mom and I have a relationship that is so much less conflictual. I honestly believe that because I am no longer projecting that I am anyones punching bag, that she just doesn't treat me like one anymore.
Recently, I passed two career tests and a test with a guy I was seeing. He asked to postpone a date, which triggered my wounding around my mother always canceling plans with me and me feeling insignificant. Initially, I told him it was not ok in an aggressive way. But I took responsibility for it and apologized, explaining that lack of communication and changing plans trigger mine. Granted, he fell away, but I was so proud of myself for owning my mistake and apologizing ( I come from a family that never discusses anything ever, and we definitely don't apologize).
After passing all these tests, I said out loud to the Universe yesterday that I wasn't a free juicer. Literally, a few hours later, someone contacted me saying they have a free juicer and that I could have it. Another major thing that has shifted in me is my ability to surrender. I am a control freak and have been obsessing over when my partner and job will come through. I finally feel like I am at a point where I genuinely don't mind when they come. I feel like I can finally be present and just be in the process, no matter how long it takes.
What expanders did you find?: So many have popped up out of nowhere recently! So many that I can't even remember most of them
- a few friends, relationships, and people in the community group were expanded in partnership.
- so many on the TBM podcasts
What tests did you face? Which did you pass? Not pass?: I have experienced so many dating tests, and I failed a lot of them. But, I learned invaluable lessons about my attachment style and how I show up in a relationship.
Did you experience a magic dark period? If so, tell us about it.: I definitely have experienced mini magic darks with my partnership manifestation, which often brings dating tests (which I failed).
How long did it take for your manifestation to come through after crafting your initial list?: my relationship with my mom, self-worth, and communication have taken about a year. There was a time when I saw a tantra course by a tantra teacher that I love, and I thought to myself that I would love to do it but couldn't afford it. Two weeks later, she offered it to me for free. The smaller items have been coming through very quickly. I haven't manifested a partner or job yet.
How frequently were you using the workshops and DI's when you noticed the biggest shift surrounding your manifestation?: Every day. I have reduced it now to 5/6 days, though, intentionally because I was burning myself out.
How do you incorporate this work into your life on a daily basis? Any tips, tricks or recommendations for getting the most out of it, or personalizing it?: I prioritize it. I wake up early and make sure to do it for myself. That said, I don't have a job, which makes it very easy to prioritize.
If you'd like, please include your IG handle:: @erinsamgoodwin
