Practicing Self-Love & Finding Partnership
Name: Kelsey Rae Hartzell
Where do you reside?: Los Angeles
What is your cultural upbringing and background?: Mixed race
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: Finding my forever person and manifesting a writing agent.
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?: Unblocked Love, Unblocked Shadow, Unblocked Inner Child!
What expanders did you find?: Couples: Tom Holland and Zendaya, Hailey and Justin Bieber, FKA Twigs and Matty Healy, Jake Paul and Julia Rose.
Writer/Directors: Greta Gerwig, Diablo Cody, Lars Von Trier, and many more!
What tests did you face? Which did you pass? Not pass?: I started to get serious about manifesting the right partnership because, being 32, I was just so sick of dating men I'd convinced myself to fit my list even though they weren't even half of what I was looking for.
I joined Bumble and Raya while I went through TBM but deleted Bumble after I got overwhelmed by the amount of responses I was getting from men I had no interest in. (At this point I didn't believe I was truly "good enough" for the sort of man I wanted so of course that's what was happening!)
I had to suppress the desire to call ex-lovers for physical and emotional comfort, which was far more difficult than I expected, but in the end, I pushed through the discomfort and let go of some men I had really cared about because I knew the manifestation they were blocking was worth the temporary discomfort. After that, the sort of men I was finding on Bumble changes completely. I was interested in several of them! I was shocked they were also interested!
I had lengthy text conversations with a handful of very attractive, successful men that I knew didn't fit my list and, sure enough, just like before, they would let me down in some big way— but this time, the process was kind of… expedited I suppose. But it was far easier to brush these letdowns off my shoulder than it ever had before. Soon enough, I met a successful, attractive touring drummer that I was very interested in. We set up a FaceTime date and chatted through text in the days leading up to it. Last-minute, he canceled on me. I was hurt, but I mustered to self-worth to tell him that not following through on my word was a deal-breaker for me. He was very understanding, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad as it used to.
I was doing pretty well not letting this failed connection get to me until I went on a date with another attractive guy that I knew didn't fit my list. He was funny and fast-talking, and I liked that, so I started talking my way out of key elements of my list almost immediately. So I ended up breaking my six-week-no-sex rule, caught Covid because of it, and got rejected by him all within two days. He had lied about who he was entirely. I was furious. We had a huge blow-out fight— the sort I used to have with men in my past for not being who they said they were/who I deserved to be with. So I guess you could say I failed that test big time… Like, bigger than any test, I had failed one in MONTHS.
BUT, … I knew that all I could do was learn from the situation, sit in pain, feel deeper into my self-worth, have faith in the universe, and truly believe I deserved everything on my list. A couple weeks later some of the men who'd crushed me in the past, including the counterpart of my most recent failed test (), reached out to me again. As angry as I was that either of them would think I would fall for the BS again, I mustered the compassion to tell them both I thought they were good, likable men but that I wasn't interested.
They didn't respond. The next day I was journaling when a feeling overwhelmed me— I finally felt love for myself above all else— above all the bs and pain and countless near misses, I was in love with ME. I could have my list because I was worth it. The next day I met the man who satisfies everything on my list on Bumble (right before we both were considering deleting the app!), and he's even better than I could have imagined. There's no way I could list all the crazy, serendipitous ways the universe told me he was the guy for me, but trust me, this stuff works.
Recently I admitted to him that I was very financially stressed and wanted to know if I could live with him for a month after my lease was up so I could get back on my feet. He said yes, but I was tremendously embarrassed. I talked out my feelings of shame with him and how I felt I'd failed at being the independent woman I was raised to be. True to his loveliness, he was very reassuring and helped remind me that I'm still the strong, talented, independent woman I've always been and that this was probably another test. The next day his boss asked him about me and what I do for a living. He told him I was a screenwriter. I couldn't believe what had happened next. His boss asked if I was looking for work and if I needed representation because he wanted to connect me to "an agent who owes him a favor."
I was gobsmacked. This Saturday I'm going to dinner with him and his boss to talk about how he can help. No matter how that turns out… life is truly magical.
Did you experience a magic dark period? If so, tell us about it.: Yo, I was in a depression for MONTHS. When I really started saying "no" to things I didn't want to do, even though it was scary, I finally let myself relax and "do nothing" for once. I went in and out of doing the work, but I had several deep releases. There were crickets for a couple of months while I healed, but everything happened almost all at once. It was crazy. The most important thing about my magic dark was that I KNEW it was a magic dark and that even if it hadn't been, I was going to start saying "no" to everything that wasn't a HUGE "YES!"
How did your manifestation come through?: I joined Bumble for the second time and decided I'd give it another week-long try. I got 700 likes in one day, but only one really caught my eye. I reached out to him, and we hit it off right away. Amazingly, I showed my best friend his picture, and she already knew him! He had been her boss once upon a time, and she had nothing but good things to say about him. She knew even before our first FaceTime that we were a match. She was right!
How long did it take for your manifestation to come through after crafting your initial list?: I wrote a few lists over a couple of months but after my last one, it took about three weeks
How frequently were you using the workshops and DI's when you noticed the biggest shift surrounding your manifestation?: It went from every day to every few days. Then I went in and out of work, but I still journaled every day and listened to the podcast.
How do you incorporate this work into your life on a daily basis? Any tips, tricks or recommendations for getting the most out of it, or personalizing it?: Journal, journal, journal.
Journaling helps me identify my negative self-talk, my deeply ingrained patterns, where those patterns came from, and how they show up in my life. When I put it all into written words, I can change the way I talk to myself and reframe my perspective. Of course, I'm biased toward all things writing, but this has been the most important tool on my manifestation journey thus far. I also recommend talking to open-minded friends about your TBM process and/or doing it together! The Full Moon DI is particularly conducive for two people to work together!
And lastly, have faith! You're a rockstar!
If you'd like, please include your IG handle: AmericanWitchXO
WORKSHOPS
Shadow / Inner Child / Love
