Releasing Victim Mentality So I Could Manifest Financial Stability
Name: Megan Gibson
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: In July of 2019, I had an awakening of sorts and decided that I could no longer live in victimhood with money. Up until this point, the financial reality of living as a single mom and a teacher has meant fear, lack mentality, and always having a second job that is below me in terms of education, experience, and compensation. It has felt as though my money is in control of me, not the other way around. At the beginning of the school year, I decided that I had to regain control of my money, and I began tracking every penny in and every penny out with the goal of initially paying off half of $10,000 in credit card and medical debt and saving enough to live through the summer without going further into debt.
I had always used credit cards to sustain myself during June and July. My goal for the next school year is to pay off the other half of my credit card debt and save a 3-6 months emergency fund in addition to saving for the following summer break.
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?: I began with How to Manifest and Unblocked Inner Child. Initially, the biggest shifts for me were undoing my codependent relationship with my mother and no longer living in victimhood with my ex-husband. In the process of pairing down my budget to bare necessities, to increase the amount of money I could put toward debt every month, I realized that I had been searching outwardly for my inherent worth my entire life. I decided that for the entire school year, I would only buy things if I had absolutely nothing that could fulfill this function. For instance, this meant wearing the same few outfits on rotation and wearing boots through the winter that were functional, but I hated how they looked.
If you want to challenge how you define your worth as a human, strip away all of the ways you numb yourself with material objects, and oh man, will the tears come. Through this work, I have stepped into my worth and realized my power. Realizing my agency and strength has manifested itself in so many ways. For instance, I used to have such a lack mentality in regard to food and groceries. I felt panic if my refrigerator or pantry started looking empty. This led to overbuying and wasting. Now I live on a budget and only buy exactly what I need for the week, trusting that I can simply replenish on the next grocery shopping day. Living on a budget doesn't feel like lack because now saying no to one thing means saying yes to another, in this case paying off my credit card debt.
I have completed Unblocked Money during the quarantine and gone even deeper into financial lack that has plagued my family for generations. I have seen every woman in my family have an enmeshed financial relationship with her mother through the oldest relative I have known, my great grandmother. Growing up, money would always come and go seemingly of its own accord without my parents having control or telling the money where to go. I was taught that money equals stress, and my parents lived in victimhood of their brokenness.
What expanders did you find?: During this time, I reconnected with my four best girlfriends from high school. After many years, they have all moved back to town. Though we differ in a lot of core ways, they are all successful in career and marriage. In the past, I definitely would have been deeply triggered by these women. Now I am so inspired by their relationship to money. They have seemingly all found balance by continuously working toward financial goals, while also putting themselves on their list of people to take care of. They don't feel guilt when buying things for themselves as they live within their budgets.
What tests did you face? Which did you pass? Not pass?: A big test presented itself in the fall. I miscalculated my paid time off, went over, and my paycheck was short. This sent me down a spiral of such fear. I had no faith that the universe would continue to provide for me. This sudden disappearance of income sent me right back into my old way of thinking about money, right back into victimhood. I definitely failed this test, and the money stopped flowing. I wasn't able to catch up until Christmas when I received some money from relatives and the weeks in between were really difficult financially. A similar test presented itself again in April.
In the middle of the quarantine, my school attempted to reopen its doors on May 1st for the children of essential workers. I surveyed my class, and only one child was planning on attending out of 22. I disagreed with this choice and stood my ground and told my boss I would not be attending the in-service day before the reopening of school as I felt it was unsafe for the staff to reconvene during the shelter at home order. My boss changed her mind mid-day and decided to keep the school closed and continue online learning. Seemingly to make a point; however, she took one day of pay off of the following paycheck.
I had a completely different reaction this time. I had such peace about my decision and knew that her decision to dock my pay was out of my control. I felt confident that the universe would continue to provide for me. I definitely passed this time, and as you'll see below, it was met with a huge reward during the drive-thru car parade we hosted for our students at the end of April.
How did your manifestation come through?: As soon as I took the step of regaining control of my financial situation, money started flowing. Little miracles would happen. For instance, at the end of July and the beginning of this journey, my youngest child became ill, and I did not know how I would pay the $30 copay at the pediatrician. I stepped outside the doctor's office, into the parking lot, and immediately my phone dinged. I had just sold something on eBay for exactly $30. My budgeting spreadsheet seemingly became my manifestation list. Instead of journaling the number that I needed, the number at the end of my spreadsheet became the manifestation I was calling in.
These little manifestations have happened again and again throughout the past ten months. I sold a child's guitar for $90 right when I needed medication for my children that was exactly $90. I received a refund check from my mortgage company for an overage in my escrow account for $59 right after doing my budget for the month and realizing that I would be $58.50 short. The most recent occurred during the quarantine. I have been saving for summer, knowing my last paycheck would be at the beginning of May.
Looking ahead at my spreadsheet for May, again and again, I had the thought that I wish I could wait to dip into my summer money until June when it was actually summer. This was seemingly unrealistic, though, as I needed $600 to make my May budget work. I wasn't panicked, and I wasn't in a victim mentality. I would simply look at this number every day with curiosity. At the end of April, my school had a drive-thru car parade for our families. The father of one of my students pulled through and handed me flowers, chocolate, and a card.
After the parade, I opened the card, and you guessed it... a $600 check was inside. This parent had collected money from the class as an end of the year and early birthday gift. Given the fact that I work at a private school that has now gone remote and families are not receiving tuition refunds, I had no expectations of receiving any gifts to celebrate the end of the year. The other big manifestation from this past year was the amount of my child support. Since my divorce eight years ago, I have lived in the victimhood of my ex-husband and his apparent lack of interest in supporting his children financially. It has been a fight since day one and a huge source of anxiety.
