Proof That Timing Matters
Are you currently a Pathway Member?: Yes
What was on your manifestation list?: Partnership. The list here was very extensive and long, and I kept adding to it with every test I passed over the summer while doing this work.
What workshops did you use and what blocks did you discover during the DIs & workshops?: I did How to Manifest, Unblocked Love, Unblocked Money, Unblocked Shadow, and Unblocked Inner Child numerous times from June-October. I manifested my boyfriend in October. I did the work daily and listened to all of the Podcast episodes, listening daily. When I did Unblocked Money for the first time, in the very first DI, I was able to FINALLY understand why I continued to be attracted to unavailable partners... because of my father's relationship to money. Very unexpected, but it was probably the biggest breakthrough I had.
I also read "Attached" and got more clarity here around who my father was (he died suddenly when I was 18, so all of this healing has been retroactive) and more empathy for my mother's experience, who had previously been easy for me to blame for my emotional hardships. In addition, through Inner Child, I was able to reprogram many sexual experiences (including abuse and assault), the first time I had sex, and my experience with shutting out available partners throughout my life, beginning in high school.
What expanders did you find?: Andy and April from "Parks and Rec" was the first and biggest. I saw myself as a darker, witchy type, and I just wanted a hot, nice boyfriend who adored me and had "golden retriever" type energy that I see in this fictional couple's dynamic. My boyfriend and I aren't actually like Andy and April, but seeing them allowed me to understand I could be in my darkness and witch vibes and manifest a totally normal, nice guy, which I did. Nicole Richie and Joel Maddie, because I see Nicole as an unapologetic embodiment of integrated shadow. Her past is public, yet she has been partnered and married for a long time to a nice, midwestern, creative man and is a wonderful mother to two children. (she's also tattooed, which I am and had a weird belief around previously).
Meghan and Harry were big because Harry said in an interview when he met Meghan that he needed to "up his game," despite being the most eligible bachelor on earth. I wanted that type of devotion from my partner at first sight. In addition, I love how they have created their own family together and been able to separate from each of their toxic and tragic upbringings, which I relate to on both sides. My partner and I also share this. My grandparents (now passed) were on there. My Grandpa was a Cancer, and so is my boyfriend. My cousin and her husband, because of her personal story, which is similar to mine.
Ciara and Russell Wilson because they each manifested each other and held off on their sexual relationship till marriage (my boyfriend and I waited for commitment). More in the Madden family, I added Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden. Like Cameron, I am tall and conventionally attractive and have dated lots of very sexy men like Cameron, but she ended up marrying Benji - a kind creative, but not the coolest rock star by any means, pretty cheesy, actually. He is also shorter than her and not the hottest guy by any means, but he is the guy for her, and she adores him, and they are perfect. This was expansive because sometimes what we think we want, or for me, what my family and friends and society tell me I should want, does not actually line up with what I need.
Finally, I threw Michelle and Barack on there, because, who doesn't want that kind of love? Mostly because Michelle owns her power and worth consistently, and Barack continues to step up. She was the only person the most powerful man on earth bowed to because of his love, devotion, admiration, and respect for her. She is never afraid to walk if she isn't getting her needs met, and she always expresses her worth.
What tests did you face? Which did you pass? Not pass?: Oh, boy. I dated AGGRESSIVELY online throughout the summer, very much with the help of the Community platform and another friend doing the work. I went on a lot of first dates with wonderful guys, and had to immediately end it because they were not attractive to me, were addicts, had apparent hang-ups over women or commitment or unresolved family issues. These were all immediate deal breakers for me. I finally met one man at the end of July who I thought was PERFECT, but he was unemployed and had very low self-worth around money. I examined this part of my list: "must have a career that he is passionate about and fulfilled by." Was it ego?
I made an exception and kept seeing him. We went out three times until he told me he couldn't go any further because he "wasn't actually in a place to date," and specifically mentioned his financial insecurity. It turns out it wasn't about that, but he had major hang-ups about money, which he expressed numerous times (resentments over "rich kids," etc.) I realized it wasn't about money, it was about the energy around money, so I tweaked my list. Then I dated two more men, both of whom lived out of town and were immediately ready to offer me a home, financial security, commitment and children and wanted to buy a house for me. They also both embodied this "mountain-man" type that I thought I needed, a type many of my past partners embodied. I met each of them one time, and they left a sick feeling in my stomach.
I knew right away; they were not the man for me. They continued to harass and cling to me, and I had to be seriously tested and trust because they were offering me everything I wanted, but it just didn't feel right. Was I just actually emotionally unavailable as I had always feared? I had to dig deep and examine but eventually was able to let them both go for good (and had to do it harshly with finality, which I believe was also part of the test). Next, I dated two men simultaneously - one was a very sexy man, with the mountain man build and some darkness that we trauma bonded over. He very much wanted a sexual relationship with me, and I continued to maintain a boundary with him.
He kept showing up despite this, but I knew he had already laid his F-boy cards on the table. The other man was a very kind and gentle teacher who was wonderful and lovely but not at all sexy. When he kissed me I wanted to spit his tongue out. I dated both of them a few times until one day I decided to end it with both of them. More on this...
Did you experience a magic dark period? If so, tell us about it.: After the unemployed guy ended it with me in August, I was devastated and felt like I was hitting rock bottom, but I actually felt like I was more in a rut. I did the Rut workshop. I decided I needed to do something different. The four men listed above all came through during this time, but I began to have a sinking feeling that online dating maybe wasn't for me, or perhaps I just needed a break from so much emphasis on finding a partner. Online dating has been a wonderful experience for me, as I got to manifest many, many, many tests and practice dating and raise my self-worth and tweak my manifestation list, but I knew this wasn't ultimately how I wanted to meet my partner.
I decided, maybe, it was possible to meet men in real life again, which is how all of my long term relationships had come about previously. But, this was COVID, and I had not been hit on at all during the pandemic. One day, after listening to a Lacy Podcast on my walk to the coffee shop, I was standing in line to order, and I noticed a man at the sugar station eyeing me. Rather than look away, I looked right at him. He struck up a conversation with me, the first time any man had approached me during the pandemic. He was not my physical type, but he was kind and cool. He did not ask for my number, so it wasn't a proper hit on, but I knew something was coming through.
Then it happened again at Trader Joe's. A man eyed me in the check out line, and I looked right at him. In the parking lot, he said hi, but didn't ask for my number. Then I listened to the podcast episode featuring Sidney Bensimon. She talked about manifesting her partner in real life. I decided she was my expander, and this could be possible for me too. I continued to feel sad and despondent, not sure if this was coming through, and felt more desperate.
I decided to submit a question about it to the coaches for $25 and got a voice note back from Atarah. He suggested I look at my list and work the Magnetic Self DI to fully embody all of the traits in myself that I wanted in a partner. I ended it with my last two online suitors (the sexy guy and the nice teacher noted above), deleted my apps (deactivating my profile and all), and jumped off the cliff. Maybe I wouldn't date for a while, and I was okay with that.
I worked on the suggestion from Atarah and landed on the mountain-man, Mr. Fix-It type that I thought I needed in a man. I had done the work with the emotional traits, but none of these material ones. What I realized is that I am Ms. Fix-It. I always worked on projects with my dad, and I have a stacked tool box of his tools and a drill I am very proud of. I love Home Depot and building projects, and I am great at fixing and repairing things all on my own. For so long, I infantilized myself to my construction worker type partners and thought I wanted to be this damsel in distress type that needed my TV hung or whatever else.
I actually can do these things on my own, and I actually ENJOY doing them. It's a hobby of mine. It connects me to my late father and the projects we did together when I was a kid. It's actually part of my authentic code to fix the wobbly table leg or put new knobs on the cabinets. I don't actually need or want this in a partner.
How did your manifestation come through?: A girlfriend I hadn't seen in well over a year circled back on an invitation I extended months prior to go for a hike. We were going to go one night, but it turned out to be the night of Kamala's debate, and we both decided to reschedule to that Saturday. She chose a hike way out in Malibu that I had never been to. I arrived and was very frustrated by the lack of parking, no service to get in touch, and her being very late despite me coming all the way out for her request.
She arrived, and I decided to let it go and just be present with this very old and dear friend. She brought her new dog, Nancy, and we went on the hike. We got lost twice and turned around but made it through with laughter and joy. I say all these things because timing is truly everything. On the way down, I was telling her about my last two suitors and deciding to end it, which I had literally done that morning. Nancy met a dog and proceeded to play with him as I waited to the side. My friend chatted to the dog's owner, in a mask and a hat, and he was from New York.
I was manifesting an east coast native (I was done with California-raised men, no offense!), and I chimed in the conversation to talk about New York, a city I lived in for six years and where a lot of my family is from, etc. Finally, Nancy's playmate's owner chimed in and said, "Well, I don't have my phone with me, but if you guys ever wanted to all go to a dog park sometime, you should take my number." My girlfriend (who is engaged) said, "YEAH, ANNIE, YOU SHOULD TAKE HIS NUMBER." I rolled my eyes, annoyed at my girlfriend somewhat embarrassing me and totally oblivious to what was happening.
I had surrendered and was neither looking nor expecting to meet anyone at all. I took his number down in my notes app, not ever planning on using it. We said our goodbyes and left. As we walked away, my friend said, "I'm pretty sure that's your husband." I rolled my eyes again and began to make fun of his outfit and said he absolutely was not; I was done thinking about that kind of stuff. Later that evening, around 6 pm, I got a ping to text him. I said, "Hi, X - this is Annie from the trail, the redhead, not the dog owner." He replied right away, saying he was hoping all day he would hear from me and set a first date for that Tuesday. We dated for a few weeks and discussed everything we are looking for and our place in our lives.
It turns out he works for the company I was laid off from in April. He's been there for a year, and I was there for five years, but we never met for a series of reasons. We would never have dated if we met there because I have a strict no coworker dating policy, and he said he's not very authentic at work and I wouldn't have liked him. We had an instant connection of friendship, physical chemistry, and emotional compatibility. He is in therapy and has a daily meditation practice. He is a gifted musician and has a stable, fulfilling marketing career. He is enamored with me and believes in me, and supports me. He is honest and trustworthy.
He is literally EVERYTHING on my list, except he is completely inept at fixing things and building things, which is hilarious to me. Luckily for us, I happily assume that role in our relationship. Four weeks later, the night the election was called, he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying he knew he wanted that for a while, but he felt like that was a beautiful way to make that great day even better. It's still new, and I have been hesitant to share this story, as I don't want to embarrass him, but today I feel really confident in our growing affection for one another and trust that we have what it takes to go the distance. I owe all of it to the specific work TBM has offered me and my own resilience to just keep moving forward no matter what. I am so happy.
What is your cultural upbringing and background?: I'm a full-blooded Irish-American from Massachusetts. I come from a Catholic culture but was not raised in the church. My ancestors come from the Irish ghettos of Boston and New York.
WORKSHOPS
No / How to Manifest / Love / Money / Shadow / Inner Child
